Beyond the Mask You See

My darling girl, they don't love you like I love you. I tell you only the truth, confirm the things you already fear to be true. Because I love you. Because I need you. They were right to tell you not to reach so high, to stay where you belong.  But you didn't listen to us then. You had to prove us wrong. But we weren't wrong were we? No darling, you know now that this is too much for you, better to just let it go. Remember that we told you that you would never deserve love or happiness? You didn't listen then either, now look at you?! A 32 year old divorcee pretending she can make it on her own. You know you can't though.  Even he doesn't love you like I love you. He doesn't understand what it's like when I visit. How I make your heart pound. How your mouth becomes too dry to speak. How your thoughts race around your head like a school of angry sharks tearing apart your dignity, your sense of self, everything you try to fool yourse...

I arrived at Lackland FL at nearly midnight. I hadn't slept the night before because I was so nervous, so by the time I arrived at the base I had already been awake for 32 hours straight. It must have been the dileriun that mad me volunteer to be in a band flight and say that I could play an instrument. Or it could have been the intoxication of finally having some modicum of safety and control that made me pick up an instrument again. Finally making it to basic training was the most liberating feeling I had ever had. I needed to keep the feeling going. So I volunteered for everything I could. I volunteered to be guide on bearer. I volunteered to help everyone else in my flight study and clean. I started drawing again, sketching things around me into my issued notebook. I volunteered for the worst guard shifts, which meant that when one depressed airman who was desperate to leave tried to hang herself in the bathroom, I was the one who found her. I'm not sure why I reacted ...