Beyond the Mask You See

What's it like to be me? To be at constant war with your own brain? Well, in short - it's hell. Spending my formative years fighting for my life, literally, left me with some deep trust issues and a fun friend called PTSD. She comes out at the worst times possible - when I feel like someone is abandoning me. When I feel intimidated. When someone is yelling at me. When people are fighting around me. I learned to control some of it. I'm great in an emergency - fire, car accident, violence...  I'm ice cold and calm, during the event at least. Why? Because I don't give myself permission to panic until I am safe. This didn't pan out well for me after I was raped while serving in the military. I was too calm after, too collected. I didn't act like they expected me to because, in my mind, I wasn't safe yet. I had to stay calm and strong until the danger passed. The end result? I lost my military career because I was too calm. If only they could have s...

You've made my life hell. You came into my life without permission and stole everything. Yet you haven't left and I can't make you leave me alone. You won't leave because you've become a part of me, a part of my identity that I can't stand. It started when I was forced to act like an adult even though I was barely a teen. I heard your whispers as we waited to see if he would wake up. You got louder after he did wake up and took his revenge for me returning his life to him. I shouldn't have done that. I should have let him die. I should have walked away. I earned every bruise, every broken bone, every beating. I deserved his harsh words, his insults, and his rage. I caused it. And I started to believe you. Then your whispers changed. You started telling me to do things. That I was too pathetic to live so I should just take matters into my own hands. Obviously, I was never successful in my attempts but even now, I think about it. I consider how easy it w...

Over the past few months, I've undergone what appears to most to be a healthy transformation. I quit smoking, I've lost weight, I even seem happy. While it is true that I did quit smoking, that isn't why I have lost weight. Happy people don't hide 90% of their life away from everyone. But, my mask is pretty solid. Aside from a few slips of temper, it's believable by everyone. Well, almost everyone. But that isn't the secret. I think anyone reading this knows I wear depression and anxiety like a cloak and shield while I hide behind a mask of lies. No- the secret is actually my weight loss. I meant to quit smoking. I wanted to, so I did. But for some reason the wires in my brain that would scream at me for a cigarette are screaming something new. Control. I dominated my cravings. I had control again. And if I had control over smoking, maybe I could control something else. But I couldn't do it while I was keeping anxiety at bay with medication. ...