Beyond the Mask You See

Sometimes, I feel scared and anxious for no real reason. Sometimes, I feel insecure and need reassurance.  Sometimes, it feels like my heart is in my throats and my stomach is full of lead. Sometimes, the thoughts swarm my brain stinging like bees, demanding I pay attention. Sometimes, I need help but I rarely seek it. Sometimes, the days are bleak and gray.  Sometimes, I think it would be better if I went away. Sometimes, I am desperate for some feeling of control. Sometimes, I feel lost and alone. But sometimes, I feel happy. Sometimes I feel loved and wanted. Sometimes, I feel beautiful, intelligent and strong. I wish that sometimes, the good times happened more often. Sometimes, I am in so much pain I can't even breathe. Sometimes, it's tolerable and I can forget the disease destroying my insides. Sometimes, I feel sick for no reason. Sometimes, I get sick for no reason but there is nothing to throw up.

When I was younger, the box I shoved all emotions that weren't helpful to my situation was my protection. It kept me as safe as possible in a situation I couldn't control. It became as natural as breathing, to hide my emotions and thoughts away and keep my mask in place. The problem with this is that if you never let those emotions out and deal with them, then you never learn how to express them properly. When you don't know how to properly express an emotion, then that emotion becomes a source of anxiety. Do I really show that I love someone? Am I expressing it the right way? If I am angry I worry if I even have the right to be angry. When I am sad or hurting, I don't even know how to express that in a helpful way. Worse yet, I wonder if feeling sad or hurt isn't just a sign of weakness. As the anxiety builds, shoving those emotions back in the box looks so tempting. It would be easier to withdraw back into myself, especially with the negative or painful em...

PTSD. High functioning anxiety disorder. Depression. In my story so far, I've referred to these disorders of the brain as she. I've given them human like traits and asigned them insidious personalities. I've personified the darkest part of my psyche but rest assured, I do not believe these are different people or voices I don't recognize telling me to do things. I understand quite well that each of these things are not some separate entity from me trying to harm me. No, I know perfectly well that they are me. As I am female, so too does my mind see these aspects as female because they are me. They just aren't the good side that I want people to see.  One throw back to my teen years, developing the talent to hide your thoughts and feelings behind a pleasantly nuetral mask to avoid harm, is also one that I use to this day. I hide most emotions and thoughts behind a mask, a pretend person who has her shit together, who is confident and capable.  When I'...

Imagine, for a moment, that you are trapped in a room. This room has no doors, no windows, no way out at all. You are sitting on a chair facing a wall that is covered with screens of different sizes. In fact, every wall is covered in screens. All the screens are dark. Then one of those screens flashes to life. Flickering in the darkness, one of the smallest screens has a scene on it that you can barely see. You strain your eyes to figure out what is on the screen when another flickers on. This new screen is larger, you can just barely make out what's on it. It's a scene from your past.  You try harder to focus on the screen when another turns on. The screen is large enough that you can clearly make out that it is most definitely a memory. The more you focus, the more screens turn on all showing the same memory. The last screen is so clear, the picture so perfect that it's almost like you are there. As you watch, you realize that you aren't watching anymore- you ar...

If only it were so easy to silence my demons. Just take a few pills and the demons go to sleep, but not forever they always come back. When the anxiety is silenced or the panic attack she induced has calmed, that is when her sidekick takes up the axe to keep the fight alive. Depression is a sneaky demon, not quite so aggressive as anxiety but she still causes immense harm because she doesn't just hurt me. When she comes for a visit from the recesses of my mind, she slowly steals away my passions, my confidence, my desire to do anything. She steals my energy, too. Some days it takes everything in me just to get out of bed. Most days when she is here, I can keep my mask in place so that no one can see that in reality I'm dying inside. Where anxiety screams, depression whispers convincing tales in my ear. But the longer she stays the harder it is to keep the mask in place. My mask starts to slip and people start to see the despair behind the mask. I work harder to keep the mask...

My darling girl, they don't love you like I love you. I tell you only the truth, confirm the things you already fear to be true. Because I love you. Because I need you. They were right to tell you not to reach so high, to stay where you belong.  But you didn't listen to us then. You had to prove us wrong. But we weren't wrong were we? No darling, you know now that this is too much for you, better to just let it go. Remember that we told you that you would never deserve love or happiness? You didn't listen then either, now look at you?! A 32 year old divorcee pretending she can make it on her own. You know you can't though.  Even he doesn't love you like I love you. He doesn't understand what it's like when I visit. How I make your heart pound. How your mouth becomes too dry to speak. How your thoughts race around your head like a school of angry sharks tearing apart your dignity, your sense of self, everything you try to fool yourse...