The Box
When I was younger, the box I shoved all emotions that weren't helpful to my situation was my protection. It kept me as safe as possible in a situation I couldn't control. It became as natural as breathing, to hide my emotions and thoughts away and keep my mask in place. The problem with this is that if you never let those emotions out and deal with them, then you never learn how to express them properly.
When you don't know how to properly express an emotion, then that emotion becomes a source of anxiety. Do I really show that I love someone? Am I expressing it the right way?
If I am angry I worry if I even have the right to be angry.
When I am sad or hurting, I don't even know how to express that in a helpful way. Worse yet, I wonder if feeling sad or hurt isn't just a sign of weakness.
As the anxiety builds, shoving those emotions back in the box looks so tempting. It would be easier to withdraw back into myself, especially with the negative or painful emotions, rather than face the emotion.
And when I express something then receive rebuff, I do withdraw. I stop showing that emotion and sharing those thoughts for as long as possible; until the seal on the box breaks and the emotion escapes again.
It's not that I don't feel those things anymore. It's that I hold them so deep inside that I can't express them.
One time as an insult, my ex husband told me I have the emotional range of Spock from Star Trek. I think if he really understood the character, he would not have used that to insult me. In fact, when he said it I took it as a compliment. Not only is Spock highly intelligent, he relies on logic and reason to make decisions rather than emotion. However, the insult was meant to be directly related to our similarity in how we express emotion. He meant it to say I have no emotion at all. That I am incapable of emotion. Again, this is a gross misunderstanding. It is not that Spock had no emotion or that the Vulcans have no emotion, it is that they feel so deeply that expressing emotion becomes a distraction to making decisions so as a society, emotion is derided as a bad thing to demonstrate and therefore should be hidden away.
Unfortunately, the box is a mimicry of safety. It is a lie, a crutch I fall back on when things get difficult to deal with. Falling back on that crutch has helped me destroy relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Maybe it's time to get rid of the box completely? To learn to deal with the emotions and express my thoughts. It is too late to save the relationships lost because I hide myself away, but maybe it's not too late to save myself.
When you don't know how to properly express an emotion, then that emotion becomes a source of anxiety. Do I really show that I love someone? Am I expressing it the right way?
If I am angry I worry if I even have the right to be angry.
When I am sad or hurting, I don't even know how to express that in a helpful way. Worse yet, I wonder if feeling sad or hurt isn't just a sign of weakness.
As the anxiety builds, shoving those emotions back in the box looks so tempting. It would be easier to withdraw back into myself, especially with the negative or painful emotions, rather than face the emotion.
And when I express something then receive rebuff, I do withdraw. I stop showing that emotion and sharing those thoughts for as long as possible; until the seal on the box breaks and the emotion escapes again.
It's not that I don't feel those things anymore. It's that I hold them so deep inside that I can't express them.
One time as an insult, my ex husband told me I have the emotional range of Spock from Star Trek. I think if he really understood the character, he would not have used that to insult me. In fact, when he said it I took it as a compliment. Not only is Spock highly intelligent, he relies on logic and reason to make decisions rather than emotion. However, the insult was meant to be directly related to our similarity in how we express emotion. He meant it to say I have no emotion at all. That I am incapable of emotion. Again, this is a gross misunderstanding. It is not that Spock had no emotion or that the Vulcans have no emotion, it is that they feel so deeply that expressing emotion becomes a distraction to making decisions so as a society, emotion is derided as a bad thing to demonstrate and therefore should be hidden away.
Unfortunately, the box is a mimicry of safety. It is a lie, a crutch I fall back on when things get difficult to deal with. Falling back on that crutch has helped me destroy relationships, both romantic and otherwise. Maybe it's time to get rid of the box completely? To learn to deal with the emotions and express my thoughts. It is too late to save the relationships lost because I hide myself away, but maybe it's not too late to save myself.
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