Spin spin spin

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: despite how intelligent I am, my brain is a freaking idiot. Why, you may ask?

Well because it likes to take a negative thought and blow it up into monstrous proportions.

It also likes to say that potentially dabgerous things are perfectly ok and that nothing bad will come from it. It's like the wires in my head that control the self preservation and the ability to know reality from fiction became some jumbled mess and now everything is discombobulated: 

So I walk around on edge, never fully knowing what to believe. I'm paranoid that not only is this obvious to everyone, but that they are all discussing it behind my back. Logically, I am quite sure I one cares enough about me and my depressing life to say two words, or if they do it is mentioned in passing. 

I have no idea who I can trust. 

So I keep my thoughts to myself until I can get home and write them anonymousl.

Today, the thoughts played on repeat. They swirled around my head like a merry go round.

Maybe the relationship is salvageable

I shouldn't want it to be, but a part of me desperately doesn't want this to be the end.

He was only using you, he stayed at your house for free, ate your food, used your stuff and what did you get from it? 

He did so many kind things for you and your daughter, you should really give him another shot.

He doesn't want another shot, he is fine with me because I am completely unlovable.

He's moved on

He still loves you

I need  to move on

I still love him, crave him as though he were an intoxiating drug that I couldn't get enough of

But you wasted it, that's why he cheated and lied about it

Well maybe if he tells the truth I can move past it

Look, he still talks to you. He asked if you can help him

He's using you again and will toss you aside when he is done. How many times do you need to pick yourself up after he is done?

Maybe this time it will be different, better?

But you always fall into the same traps, are you blind?

Did you really think you deserved the future you dreamed it? You will sabotage it just like you do everything else, every relationship you have, every good thing that happens.

You don't deserve to be happy. You have an obligation to your child, don't be selfish think only if her happiness and needs

But if I'm happy, it's better for her.

Everyone knows and think you are the idiot who trusted

Around and around the thoughts spin, reminding me that what I didn't want to happen has already happened. 

My friend once said that this man is my Achilles heel, my weakness, that I don't have it in me to turn him away. Maybe she is right, because no matter how hard I try, this giant hole in my heart that was once filled by him refuses to heal. It keeps bleeding like a fresh wound. 

I want him back.

I know he should stay away. 

And I hate myself because I don't know what's real anymore.