Stages

So some people believe there are stages to the grieving process and that each happens in a specific order, but once you reach the last stage then you are ready to move on with your life.

I know from experience that this is complete bullshit. There is no straight line when you are grieving a loss. Each day is different and brings with it a different emotion. Which is unfortunate for me because I have trouble expressing or even admitting certain emotions even exist.

Now, for most people in my life, the mask I keep on is flawless. They wouldn't know something was wrong unless I told them. Some people are far more intuitive than I would like and see right through the mask.

Over the last few weeks, I've run a gauntlet of emotions that have left me feeling raw and on the edge of panic most of the time because I just don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling.

I've felt a profound sadness because a chapter of my life has come to an end and not under the best circumstances.

I've felt intense anger at him- for not living up to what I expected, for dishonesty, for straying.

I've felt intense guilt over the same things because maybe I expected too much.

I've felt pain so deep it feels like I am having a heart attack.

I've felt relief that it's finally reached a conclusion that there is no coming back from.

I've both accepted what is then rail against it as though i believe that if i just change the right thing then there would be a different outcome.

The worst part is that I go through each emotion almost daily, swinging wildly from one extreme to the next. since I can't seem to predict where my head will be, I try to avoid speaking with people unless I must.

I know from experience that eventually the emotional roulette will stop spinning and I will stabilize again.