Win or lose, I still have to play the game
There are days, like today, when the demons in my head are louder, so loud I can't think straight.
So loud and demanding that my heart pounds in my chest, my hands shake, my stomach is in knots and I spend my entire day racing to the bathroom because panic attacks also apparently make you need to evacuate your bowels immediately.
Those days, it's almost impossible to play the game. I fight the physical urge to simply walk out of the office or where ever I happen to be, get in my car and drive until I can't anymore.
Those days, every mistake becomes an apocolypse, every negative remark feels like an attack.
On those days, I want to run to the last safe thing I knew, the only safe place I have.
But I can't.
Because to the world I have it all together. I am calm, confident, assertive- a force to be reckoned with. I am in command.
The first time I watched Frozen and saw Elsa, I though "this is me... not the awesome ice powers, but the anxiety and fear, the isolation, the need to hide my true self from the world." Don't let them in, don't let them see. Conceal, don't feel, put on a show- make one wrong move and everyone will know.
Of course, I know that is just the anxiety talking. No one will really know anything unless I say something.
I fight my demons every day.
Sometimes I win and feel a rush of relief.
Sometimes I lose and can't wait to hide from the world.
But regardless, I still have to play the game.
So loud and demanding that my heart pounds in my chest, my hands shake, my stomach is in knots and I spend my entire day racing to the bathroom because panic attacks also apparently make you need to evacuate your bowels immediately.
Those days, it's almost impossible to play the game. I fight the physical urge to simply walk out of the office or where ever I happen to be, get in my car and drive until I can't anymore.
Those days, every mistake becomes an apocolypse, every negative remark feels like an attack.
On those days, I want to run to the last safe thing I knew, the only safe place I have.
But I can't.
Because to the world I have it all together. I am calm, confident, assertive- a force to be reckoned with. I am in command.
The first time I watched Frozen and saw Elsa, I though "this is me... not the awesome ice powers, but the anxiety and fear, the isolation, the need to hide my true self from the world." Don't let them in, don't let them see. Conceal, don't feel, put on a show- make one wrong move and everyone will know.
Of course, I know that is just the anxiety talking. No one will really know anything unless I say something.
I fight my demons every day.
Sometimes I win and feel a rush of relief.
Sometimes I lose and can't wait to hide from the world.
But regardless, I still have to play the game.
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