Wishful thinking

I think part of my problem is that I don't really know and go for what I want, what I need in a partner. Because I simply have this nebulous criteria of what I think I may want, I fall for the one who seems to fit the bill, the one who flirts and says all the right things. So, maybe if I write down what I am looking for, I can get what I need from a relationship.

First, I need an equal. Someone who treats me as an equal, contributes as an equal., is my equal. I don't need someone to worship the ground I walk on as though I were some goddess and I don't need a master to control me. I am a queen and the only one who should be at my side is my equal, the king to my queen.

 I need someone who can see the light and the darkness in m and love me anyway, rather that focus on eliminating the darkness because it is too distrurbing. Someone who loves me as I am. I need someone who understands that the depression, the anxiety- it's not their fault but it's also not something that can be erased or fixed. Someone who is there for me when during the darknesss and the bright times.

I need someone who understands I don't need rescuing. I don't need anyone to fix me. I don't trust easily and I will believe your actions speak louder than your words. I need  Someone who is honest. Someone is loyal. Someone who knows it will take work to he with me and it may be more difficult than anything and is willing to put in that work to show me why I should trust them.

I need to be with someone who is just as proud and happy to be with me as I am with them. Someone who won't keep me a secret or make me feel like something dirty to hide away and never talk about.

I need someone who understands that I have a daughter and that she will always come first in my life. Someone who realizes that going out with them means I am sacrificing precious time away from my child, so this person, whoever they are needs to understand that for me to be willing to do that they need to earn it.

I need someone who understands that my daughter and I are a package deal. If you want in my life and I allow you to meet my child, it means I trust you and believe there is a chance for a long term relationship. If they never meet my child; I am not serious about them in the slightest.

I need someone who is not afraid of my strength, not intimidated by my independence. Someone who is kind and doesn't resort to insults and snide comments to try to destroy that independence and erase my self worth.

I need someone who understands that I am a contradiction wrapped in an enigma, I am not simple. I don't want someone to take care of me. I want a partner. An equal who knows that they are in my life because I want them there, not because I need them to be.

Maybe that is too much to ask for. And maybe I will never find that perfect partner. But if I know what I want, maybe I will find most of it in someone. Or maybe I'll get a few more cats because that man doesn't exist.