Can you keep a secret?
Over the past few months, I've undergone what appears to most to be a healthy transformation. I quit smoking, I've lost weight, I even seem happy.
While it is true that I did quit smoking, that isn't why I have lost weight.
Happy people don't hide 90% of their life away from everyone.
But, my mask is pretty solid. Aside from a few slips of temper, it's believable by everyone. Well, almost everyone.
But that isn't the secret. I think anyone reading this knows I wear depression and anxiety like a cloak and shield while I hide behind a mask of lies.
No- the secret is actually my weight loss.
I meant to quit smoking. I wanted to, so I did. But for some reason the wires in my brain that would scream at me for a cigarette are screaming something new.
Control.
I dominated my cravings. I had control again. And if I had control over smoking, maybe I could control something else. But I couldn't do it while I was keeping anxiety at bay with medication.
I wanted control of my weight. So I let the anxiety loose. I've lost weight, not from trying but because I am in a constant state of panic and paranoia. I am so wound up that I feel nauseated by the thought of eating. When I do eat, I eat way less than normal because I started using smaller plates and refused to eat anything more even if I felt hungry. I've been skipping meals. And when the anxiety gets overwhelming I am in a state of constant motion.
So yea, I have lost weight. I've lost nearly 40lbs in 4 months. But it's not because I'm doing something healthy to get the weight off.
Of course, because I've let anxiety off the chain, I am in a constant battle with myself to keep it hidden and pretend everything is normal. Everything becomes a major deal.
My mood is unstable at best. In a single day, I run the gamut of emotion while I move through my day fueled on a single coffee and a granola bar. My blood sugar plummets and I am constantly shaking.
I'm cold all the time.
And most likely, I am bruising so easily and badly because I'm not getting the right foods to sustain my body properly so I am probably pretty anemic at this point.
But...
Every time I see that the number on the scale had gone down again I feel strong. I feel validated. I feel in control.
Every time someone comments on how much weight I've lost, it reaffirms the idea that I have this under control.
And the secret is, I don't want to stop. So I won't tell my therapist, my family, my boyfriend, my friends. I will relish the praise and the smaller me. I will concentrate on controlling something.
This is kind of a problem though. Because I'm not keeping anxiety in check, I can't focus at work anymore. I lose track of time and forget to do things. This nearly cost me my job but I still don't want to stop.
While it is true that I did quit smoking, that isn't why I have lost weight.
Happy people don't hide 90% of their life away from everyone.
But, my mask is pretty solid. Aside from a few slips of temper, it's believable by everyone. Well, almost everyone.
But that isn't the secret. I think anyone reading this knows I wear depression and anxiety like a cloak and shield while I hide behind a mask of lies.
No- the secret is actually my weight loss.
I meant to quit smoking. I wanted to, so I did. But for some reason the wires in my brain that would scream at me for a cigarette are screaming something new.
Control.
I dominated my cravings. I had control again. And if I had control over smoking, maybe I could control something else. But I couldn't do it while I was keeping anxiety at bay with medication.
I wanted control of my weight. So I let the anxiety loose. I've lost weight, not from trying but because I am in a constant state of panic and paranoia. I am so wound up that I feel nauseated by the thought of eating. When I do eat, I eat way less than normal because I started using smaller plates and refused to eat anything more even if I felt hungry. I've been skipping meals. And when the anxiety gets overwhelming I am in a state of constant motion.
So yea, I have lost weight. I've lost nearly 40lbs in 4 months. But it's not because I'm doing something healthy to get the weight off.
Of course, because I've let anxiety off the chain, I am in a constant battle with myself to keep it hidden and pretend everything is normal. Everything becomes a major deal.
My mood is unstable at best. In a single day, I run the gamut of emotion while I move through my day fueled on a single coffee and a granola bar. My blood sugar plummets and I am constantly shaking.
I'm cold all the time.
And most likely, I am bruising so easily and badly because I'm not getting the right foods to sustain my body properly so I am probably pretty anemic at this point.
But...
Every time I see that the number on the scale had gone down again I feel strong. I feel validated. I feel in control.
Every time someone comments on how much weight I've lost, it reaffirms the idea that I have this under control.
And the secret is, I don't want to stop. So I won't tell my therapist, my family, my boyfriend, my friends. I will relish the praise and the smaller me. I will concentrate on controlling something.
This is kind of a problem though. Because I'm not keeping anxiety in check, I can't focus at work anymore. I lose track of time and forget to do things. This nearly cost me my job but I still don't want to stop.
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