Don't let it show

It has been a month since I left my last job. In a week and change, I will need to pay rent. I barely had any money to start this month off with, then a freaking hurricane disrupted my job prospects for a week and a half because Irma didn't like the landscaping. Every day, I look at my daughter and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm supposed to be able to protect her, to provide for her, and so far I am doing a terrible job at it.

Don't be so impulsive- that's always the admonission. Restrain yourself from being too smart, too independent, too dependent, push to get ahead but don't be too ambitious. Restrain your emotions, act instead of react.

All a bunch of utter nonsense. So I slipped. I left without a back up plan, I left without any way to earn money. I had foolishly hoped that I could at least get something from freelancing, but so far my Norma customers are distracted and new fish aren't biting so no money from that direction. I was a bit arrogant when I left thinking any company would want someone with my credentials. Its been a month of rejections.

Then I crash my car. Total loss and I can't get another without a job in which I can drive to. Always a fucking catch.

It's really weighing on me. I can barely breathe, sleep, or eat with how much it is tearing me apart that I haven't found something yet, that I am staring at the precipice of a long tumble into the abyss. Maybe I should let my daughter go to my ex. Then nothing would be here to stop me from stepping off the edge into the darkness. I am not strong enough to do this alone. I don't know where else to turn.