I wish I had never met you

You've made my life hell. You came into my life without permission and stole everything. Yet you haven't left and I can't make you leave me alone.

You won't leave because you've become a part of me, a part of my identity that I can't stand. It started when I was forced to act like an adult even though I was barely a teen. I heard your whispers as we waited to see if he would wake up. You got louder after he did wake up and took his revenge for me returning his life to him. I shouldn't have done that. I should have let him die. I should have walked away. I earned every bruise, every broken bone, every beating. I deserved his harsh words, his insults, and his rage. I caused it.

And I started to believe you.

Then your whispers changed. You started telling me to do things. That I was too pathetic to live so I should just take matters into my own hands. Obviously, I was never successful in my attempts but even now, I think about it. I consider how easy it would be to end it. I believe the lie that everyone would be better off without me.

Instead, I get myself into relationships that cause me harm. They break my heart over and over and I let it happen. They run off and you tell me that I didn't deserve that person anyway. They were too good for me.

So now, I am struggling again. Financially, mentally, physically, medically - I am struggling. And you are here with your whispers. That it would be so easy. That no one would even miss me if I did. I have barely any energy left. I have barely any drive or will left. And in a few weeks, I won't have a reason here to make me want to live.

I want you gone so bad. You stole my happy. You make me cry. You keep me lonely and yet I try to hide all of this behind a smile.

And people believe the smile.

I wish I hadn't met you.