Spinning into nothing

Hi. I’m here again. Sliding down into the black hole, walls too smooth to grasp.
Why? Because no matter what I do, I feel like I am falling from the moon to earth without a parachute. And I’m scared and out of control and can’t stop.

I’m trying. I keep trying. And I keep failing.

Like I can only hold on to one monkey bar and the second I reach for the next one, the first one is too slick to hold on to but that second one is now too far away and I fall.

And things get weird and then everyone walks away and I’m alone and still falling.

Is there anything I can do to get control again? That’s all I need. Control. I haven’t felt in control of my own life for a long time.

Like my life is some game being played by a chimp on speed.

How do I get control again! I need a solution because the ground is coming up fast and I still don’t have a parachute or anything to grab on to so I can slow down.

Maybe I can close my eyes and pretend everything is ok?

Maybe I can pretend that people actually like me? That they want me around? Nah.

Maybe I chase everyone away because I’m afraid that I will feel something for them and I can’t risk that again. Letting people close just leaves me feeling out of control and hurt.

But how do i stop spinning? How do I stop the free fall?

Maybe I don’t. Maybe the best option is to hit the ground a million miles a second and dissolve into nothing.

Being in my own brain is terrifying.

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