Are you okay?

I hear this a lot lately. From friends and family members, people far away.
Are you okay?
Do you really want the answer? Could you do anything if I told the truth?
Are you okay?
I’m going to lie to you. I don’t want you to worry and I don’t want to add my stress to yours.
I’m going to tell you “of course I’m okay” and force a smile and pretend for a little while that it’s the truth.
Because in reality, I’m not okay. Not by a long shot.
It’s like I’m dying from a thousand cuts.
Finances are a mess.
I’m so stressed I can’t eat.
I work but I know it’s substandard, because I can’t focus.
I can’t breathe properly, trying to breathe through a straw because my chest is so tight from panic.
I want to run, but I can’t.
I want to withdraw into myself and hide but I can’t.
I’m losing at this game of life, drowning and I don’t know if I even want to surface again.

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