Beyond the Mask You See

So I adopted a cat. I didn't want her to be lonely, so I adopted a second cat. One cat is like me. She is aloof, isn't overfond of people, and would rather murder you than concede to receive petting. She graces the house with her sleek feline presence and often sits in a position where she can glare at me disapprovingly. Her coat is unique like it couldn't decide whether she should be a tuxedo with a white chest and socks or she should be a calico cat, so instead, she wears a calico tuxedo with a white chest and socks. Rhiannon is special and she knows it. The other cat... well, let's just say that if you start to pet her, don't expect to stop any time soon. She stays perpetually at my side, cuddling and brushing my hand against her head so I keep petting her whether I like it or not. Rosemerita is a ball of fluff in a chocolate, orange, and black coat tortie pattern coat. She is probably the sweetest cat I've ever come across. In fact, my sweet Rosie wa...

Yesterday, I asked you for help. I finally told you about the war I fight with myself on a daily basis. Yesterday, you told me you couldn’t be with someone who was depressed. You couldn’t be with someone who was at zero when you were at 100. Yesterday, you made your case for why you would be leaving me. You mentioned I don’t clean often enough That you are disappointed that I can’t seem to commit to something as simple as taking a walk every day That I don’t talk much anymore. That although you love my cooking, I don’t do that enough either. You told me that even on a family vacation where I was actually having fun, there were many points where I looked absolutely miserable, even though I’d deflect when someone brought it up. You mentioned that I don’t really take care of myself or do anything that is just for me And that the efforts I’m making to become financially stable again are not enough. So you said you would be leaving.  I didn’t ...

I am not a survivor or victim, I am a warrior that has been fighting my entire life. I am not a princess to rescue. I am a queen and I have my shit handled. I am not required to do it all alone. I am surrounded by friends and family who will help. I am not perfect. I am resilient enough to learn from my mistakes. I am I am afraid and letting that fear hold me back from doing what I know I need to I am unsure I am unsteady I am just doing the best I can

It has been a month since I left my last job. In a week and change, I will need to pay rent. I barely had any money to start this month off with, then a freaking hurricane disrupted my job prospects for a week and a half because Irma didn't like the landscaping. Every day, I look at my daughter and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm supposed to be able to protect her, to provide for her, and so far I am doing a terrible job at it. Don't be so impulsive- that's always the admonission. Restrain yourself from being too smart, too independent, too dependent, push to get ahead but don't be too ambitious. Restrain your emotions, act instead of react. All a bunch of utter nonsense. So I slipped. I left without a back up plan, I left without any way to earn money. I had foolishly hoped that I could at least get something from freelancing, but so far my Norma customers are distracted and new fish aren't biting so no money from that direction. I was a bit arroga...

Reality sucks. In my dream world, I would be able to become a business owner and make it big quickly. In my dream world, I left my last job on good terms, when I was ready and had saved enough to fund my business. In my dream world, the man I love would support my dreams and stand with me through thick and thin because he believes in my dream too. Of course, in my dream world, I would have no issues with money, job loss, depression, anxiety, and eating cake makes you lose weight. In reality, I was making slow progress focusing on my business only some of the time. I was comfortable at my job because it was easy and I didn't suspect things were going on behind my back that would ruin my plans. In less than a month, I went from being a great employee to public enemy number one and I don't really know why. I left on bad terms because I couldn't keep my temper in check and told the CEO of the company what I really thought of him. Loudly and to his face. It was a rather epic ...

Over the past few months, I've undergone what appears to most to be a healthy transformation. I quit smoking, I've lost weight, I even seem happy. While it is true that I did quit smoking, that isn't why I have lost weight. Happy people don't hide 90% of their life away from everyone. But, my mask is pretty solid. Aside from a few slips of temper, it's believable by everyone. Well, almost everyone. But that isn't the secret. I think anyone reading this knows I wear depression and anxiety like a cloak and shield while I hide behind a mask of lies. No- the secret is actually my weight loss. I meant to quit smoking. I wanted to, so I did. But for some reason the wires in my brain that would scream at me for a cigarette are screaming something new. Control. I dominated my cravings. I had control again. And if I had control over smoking, maybe I could control something else. But I couldn't do it while I was keeping anxiety at bay with medication. ...

Quick, what is the most cliche jokes that comedians fall back on when they have a dead audience? The relatable hospital/airline/prison food sucks jokes, of course! The jokes are easy to relate to for the audience and might get a chuckle that can revitalize a set. Except for this week,  the joke was on me or rather the vomit was on me.  It started on Saturday. While I was looking at new places to live, my daughter was slowly starting to feel worse. By supper, she was telling me her stomach hurt and not long after she ate, the vomiting began. I assumed that this was just going to be another annoying stomach bugs that spread to everyone in the house, sticks around for 24 hours then goes away. Except it didn't. By Sunday night, my daughter had barely managed to keep down water and was feeling even worse. I wasn't worried at this point, though, because it had only been a day. Maybe this bug needed an extra day to run its course. Monday morning, I took her to the ped...