Beyond the Mask You See

I am not a survivor or victim, I am a warrior that has been fighting my entire life. I am not a princess to rescue. I am a queen and I have my shit handled. I am not required to do it all alone. I am surrounded by friends and family who will help. I am not perfect. I am resilient enough to learn from my mistakes. I am I am afraid and letting that fear hold me back from doing what I know I need to I am unsure I am unsteady I am just doing the best I can

It has been a month since I left my last job. In a week and change, I will need to pay rent. I barely had any money to start this month off with, then a freaking hurricane disrupted my job prospects for a week and a half because Irma didn't like the landscaping. Every day, I look at my daughter and I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm supposed to be able to protect her, to provide for her, and so far I am doing a terrible job at it. Don't be so impulsive- that's always the admonission. Restrain yourself from being too smart, too independent, too dependent, push to get ahead but don't be too ambitious. Restrain your emotions, act instead of react. All a bunch of utter nonsense. So I slipped. I left without a back up plan, I left without any way to earn money. I had foolishly hoped that I could at least get something from freelancing, but so far my Norma customers are distracted and new fish aren't biting so no money from that direction. I was a bit arroga...

Reality sucks. In my dream world, I would be able to become a business owner and make it big quickly. In my dream world, I left my last job on good terms, when I was ready and had saved enough to fund my business. In my dream world, the man I love would support my dreams and stand with me through thick and thin because he believes in my dream too. Of course, in my dream world, I would have no issues with money, job loss, depression, anxiety, and eating cake makes you lose weight. In reality, I was making slow progress focusing on my business only some of the time. I was comfortable at my job because it was easy and I didn't suspect things were going on behind my back that would ruin my plans. In less than a month, I went from being a great employee to public enemy number one and I don't really know why. I left on bad terms because I couldn't keep my temper in check and told the CEO of the company what I really thought of him. Loudly and to his face. It was a rather epic ...

Over the past few months, I've undergone what appears to most to be a healthy transformation. I quit smoking, I've lost weight, I even seem happy. While it is true that I did quit smoking, that isn't why I have lost weight. Happy people don't hide 90% of their life away from everyone. But, my mask is pretty solid. Aside from a few slips of temper, it's believable by everyone. Well, almost everyone. But that isn't the secret. I think anyone reading this knows I wear depression and anxiety like a cloak and shield while I hide behind a mask of lies. No- the secret is actually my weight loss. I meant to quit smoking. I wanted to, so I did. But for some reason the wires in my brain that would scream at me for a cigarette are screaming something new. Control. I dominated my cravings. I had control again. And if I had control over smoking, maybe I could control something else. But I couldn't do it while I was keeping anxiety at bay with medication. ...

Quick, what is the most cliche jokes that comedians fall back on when they have a dead audience? The relatable hospital/airline/prison food sucks jokes, of course! The jokes are easy to relate to for the audience and might get a chuckle that can revitalize a set. Except for this week,  the joke was on me or rather the vomit was on me.  It started on Saturday. While I was looking at new places to live, my daughter was slowly starting to feel worse. By supper, she was telling me her stomach hurt and not long after she ate, the vomiting began. I assumed that this was just going to be another annoying stomach bugs that spread to everyone in the house, sticks around for 24 hours then goes away. Except it didn't. By Sunday night, my daughter had barely managed to keep down water and was feeling even worse. I wasn't worried at this point, though, because it had only been a day. Maybe this bug needed an extra day to run its course. Monday morning, I took her to the ped...

I think part of my problem is that I don't really know and go for what I want, what I need in a partner. Because I simply have this nebulous criteria of what I think I may want, I fall for the one who seems to fit the bill, the one who flirts and says all the right things. So, maybe if I write down what I am looking for, I can get what I need from a relationship. First, I need an equal. Someone who treats me as an equal, contributes as an equal., is my equal. I don't need someone to worship the ground I walk on as though I were some goddess and I don't need a master to control me. I am a queen and the only one who should be at my side is my equal, the king to my queen.  I need someone who can see the light and the darkness in m and love me anyway, rather that focus on eliminating the darkness because it is too distrurbing. Someone who loves me as I am. I need someone who understands that the depression, the anxiety- it's not their fault but it's also not somethi...

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: despite how intelligent I am, my brain is a freaking idiot. Why, you may ask? Well because it likes to take a negative thought and blow it up into monstrous proportions. It also likes to say that potentially dabgerous things are perfectly ok and that nothing bad will come from it. It's like the wires in my head that control the self preservation and the ability to know reality from fiction became some jumbled mess and now everything is discombobulated:  So I walk around on edge, never fully knowing what to believe. I'm paranoid that not only is this obvious to everyone, but that they are all discussing it behind my back. Logically, I am quite sure I one cares enough about me and my depressing life to say two words, or if they do it is mentioned in passing.  I have no idea who I can trust.  So I keep my thoughts to myself until I can get home and write them anonymousl. Today, the thoughts played o...